So this week has been super hard for me. I have been making huge shifts in my learning and somehow it seems that all the jukkie stuff that I have been keeping in the back of my life closet is now starting to fall onto the floor. I know that we recently had our HUGE SHIFT end of September and that now is the time that all things that you need to deal with is coming up in bucket loads. So it feels like it has all been coming up this week.
So in my closet I still keep a lot of shame for things I did in my younger years, things I did to other people that they did not even know about. We are not talking about me killing people or robbing banks, but just every day stuff that if someone would find out they would probably be very hurt about. So now I keep telling myself that they don’t know so it won’t hurt them…. BUT the problem is that I know and in the last 10 years I have changed soooo much that I am looking back and thinking hey I would NEVER do that now.
So now I have discovered my new magical partner SHAME. Feeling guilty about what happened in the past. And here I have spent the week meditating trying to figure out what I need to do to fix this and this morning I pull a card (you need to know that I LOVE drawing inspirational cards every day, so much so that I have my partner and my boy joining in regularly, it is my guidance and answers for questions, the way my Guides and Angels like to talk to me). So the card was all about dealing with shame (haha I thought dear Guides you know you always need to be straight with me). And basically in a nutshell it is all about forgiving myself, it is all about realising that I need to stop being so harsh with myself – that this is not the scene as painted in church of me going into hell for the sins I committed. It is all about accepting the fact that at that point in my life it was a choice I made and it was a choice that seemed like the right one for me there and then. Looking at it afterwards I know it wasn’t
but that is also okay.
It is okay to make mistakes and it is okay to learn from them. Otherwise why would we be here.
It has also made me realise that before I decide to take certain steps in my life today I need to sit down and look at the consequences for myself, for my loved ones and for my future. If I now know it can lead to future shame would I do it…. I think not. Therefore I will put this on my little list of things that I have learned and peel off another layer and reveal another bit of beauty.
Obviously, I look back at writing this now, a few paragraphs of rationalisation, but the reality behind this is that this was a whole week of lying awake, crying, feeling sick and tired and just wanting to give up. So don’t let anyone tell you it’s easy, but at least I know now that the lesson is learnt, I will make a conscious choice not to go there again and this gives me hope that I can work through my pile of crap and get out the other side a happier and healthier human being.
We need hope and we need to be gentle with ourselves…. give yourself a break every now and again. It really makes you feel much better.
Yours in love